The Search For Me

My dad is black, my mom is light skinned with freckles. I'm a result of the swirl. Love my skin tone. I'm not vain by the way.... going somewhere with this.

Growing up I was bummed about not getting my mom's straight nose and inheriting daddy's round nose, I hated my toes, not to mention my hair. In third grade it was decided that my hair would be 'easier to manage' if it was straightened. I was teased about my nose and my hair all the way to and through high school. My nose was round; I couldn't do anything about that, but we thought my hair issue was fixed by chemically straightening it, boy was that wrong... THANK GOD I COULD SING. LOL. The teasing didn't stop in my adult years, however, it didn't bother me anymore. Being pregnant accentuated my nose (I know a few friends who found this hilarious), and well my hair game was constantly changing with the trends because I was still trying to fit. Natural hair was not cool, only if it was 'pretty hair' (Indian, long, straight or mixed and curly). The growing up into self appreciation, or appreciation of my heritage didn't quite sink in. 

Here comes my first daughter mixed with Indian; curly 'pretty' hair, "Thank God she never got your hair Stephanie" *insert laughter* - 'Cause its meant to be a joke. That followed the "She pretty eeeh!!" But that further perpetuated a false sense of image without being intentional. Ironically my daughter is annoyed by having so much hair. Then came my second daughter with grey eyes which went through a series of changes before coming to its beautiful brown, borderline hazel eyes... Ooh now we went gaga over that, because she possessed something that wasn't inherently black. 

For a great part of my life I had been socialized and trying to look like someone else. I think back and sometimes I want those years back so I could ‪#‎choose‬ to proudly be who I was physically. But more so other than appreciating my heritage, another dimension was added to my dilemma. I fought to keep those insecurities hidden, because by default of my beautiful voice I was a popular girl, how could I display these insecurities, so I shut them in a box that I played with when no one was looking. I found myself in many leadership capacities but always comparing myself to the other girls/women, not realizing I was great, I was doing things and going places off of my Gog-given gifts and merit and not necessarily on how I looked. Those insecurities have also lead me into some unsavory situations with the opposite sex. I sought validation, comfort, solace, love, while they sought sex. I'm keeping it real!! I was caught up with my hair, nose, how to look like I fit in with other other females with how I dressed, etc.. and they just cared that I had a vagina. So I was fair game. And no, my mom didn't fail me, she was busy trying to keep food on the table. But no one was preaching LOVE YOURSELF, YOU ARE ENOUGH, YOU ARE NOT YOUR HAIR, etc. The messages, though just as sound and relevant were variations of "tek you education" (stay in school), "don't breed" (don't get pregnant). Coupled with the peer pressure of having things and looking a certain way to fit in. Then I went to church and felt like a condemned sinner for NOT having natural hair, or having my ears pierced. It was all so confusing, deciding who to be physically. 

But I beat the odds, and borrowing a line from a song Michael Holgate wrote "I always knew something else was guiding me." I still managed to stay on top, I excelled. It's amazing when I think back how I navigated myself through all that...and to think, it all started with my hair as child. I unknowingly began the search for who I already was.

I cringe at the thought of my girls having to go through all that to discovering who they are in truth. But a shift has been happening and I'm happy. The narrative is changing, but I know the narrative that I create for them is vital.

I get it.. That journey, that lesson had to be massive. Because I have the responsibility of teaching these two young ladies to love everything about themselves, to love everything about mommy and daddy that came together to produce them in the physical sense. And MOST IMPORTANTLY, what you look like is not who you are. Beauty is what's inside, its the essence of you that makes what you are physically beautiful. We are enough! We are Queens! We are beautiful just the way we are!! Girls need to hear this from the day they take their first breath, they need to be imprinted with this truth, we need to awaken within them what is already there. Beauty!!